it’s funny how when things go wrong for a majority of your life, it isn’t consequences or downward spiraling situations but the moments of actual love or goodness that scare you the most
i’ve spent more than half my life collecting and keeping things that meant the most to me as close to my heart as possible. some of those things were material objects, some of them were friends and others were emotions, like the love another person. i’ve always carried with me this innate sense of dread; a fear that things that i felt most comfortable with would be ripped away from me forever. i could pinpoint losing my mother as the start of all that. even until her final days, she always reassured us things would turn out just fine, until they didn’t.
the things that mattered to most at different times in my life became the central objects of my universe. when i was young, those things were the friends that were as misguided as i was, banding together to form a spartan phalanx against the world. when i discovered love and what i was assumed was being loved back, nothing else would take then place of that happiness, even if i was hurt or dejected as a result of it. i still fought for it to become a reality for me. when i grew older, i cherished what i could keep by working: artwork, my first apartment and the things in it, collecting things with my own money and poured all my focus into the material gathering in my life. all the other things that came before the next rolled along with me until i had my own katamari ball of disillusioned practices and bad psychological habits.
then i lost it all. and regained it. and lost it again.
somewhere along the line, i realized that i couldn’t just work on what was outside of myself to make my world better but rather i had to take control of my universe instead.
i strongly believe that i am in control of what dictates the world around me: what happens, where i can go, the alchemy of life which people refer to as coincidences. the way i live my life and the things that occur in it are directly a result of my symbiotic relationship with the universe. i give, it returns.
i spent the last 15 years ravaging my body from the inside out. i spent time hurting and numbing my insides with anything i could grab, turning to the mutilation of flesh when that wasn’t enough whether it be self harm, piercings or even tattoos albeit in artistic expression. when i start hearing those weird quips of sobriety like “life beyond your wildest dreams” and that “one day at a time” sentiment, i thought that this was some selling sour milk to cows hokey hallmark nonsense.
after being sober for this short time for the first time in half my life, things have happened that i wouldn’t have imagined ever would. it first started with the small realization that even the feelings was experiencing were in and of themselves a taste of a wild new life. love, sadness, clarity, epiphanies, confrontation, manageable anger: these were things that i not only had no prior control over but hadn’t actually come to feel for over a decade. when i realized that i could think and feel like what i now realized was normal, my mind was fucking blown. and that was just the start.
for over half a year now, i found trust in people, i put a piece of my heart up with fantastic results, i applied and achieved a job position and am finally leaving a place that caused me disdain and duress. i communicate with people without a horrid sense of paranoia. i can focus on and see a creative stimulus bubbling in my mind, even though it may not come so easy it is there. i can cry from sentiment. i can laugh with actual humor. shit, even my skin tone changed. and did you know vitamins do wonders?
in the last 30 days alone, i had more changes happen in my life than had happened in the last five years.
when i began to fix what i was doing to myself, things began to flow into my life that i never thought i’d see.
i used to tell people when they felt down, encouragingly in my drunk and drugged ass state, that they should always focus on doing the best for themselves; that when they made the best they could out of who they were that they would give off a glow, like a firefly. eventually, another will see this glow in this shit dark of life and will specifically be attracted to it. just them. that glow.
you can never hear your own advice. doesn’t help being three sheets to the wind and higher than a hippie in a hot air balloon.
i’m excited to emit a light. it’s the first time i’ve had a way to see in the fog. every day it’s a little less like silent hill out there. every day, a little less confusing of a fog.
i’ll keep glowing; steady, sure and bobbing along.