i’ve been braiding my hair as a sort of practice in patience. i’m about a month in and the results are less than exciting for me. i’m still trying though.
i’ve been combatting frustration by slowing down my movements by half. turns out, when i get bitchy at something i end up huffing air out my nose and angrily increasing my speed. i’ve been going slo-mo on things. you’d think that would make the frustration worse, but it’s been helping.
i’ve done a braid two or three times before im okay with it. turns out it’s most efficient for the kind of hard labor i do in my 9-5. i’ve gotten more angry at ponytail hairs slithering down my neck and tickling my spine on hot and humid days. euggh.
the little imperfections bother me. like, i know right now, one side of this braid is DEFINITELY looser than the other. i want an even pull. i can kind of even feel it weighing on my one ear. i push it under my hat with my thumb. i wonder what it looks like. fuck what it looks like, it’s working, isn’t it?
it’s the same reason i gnaw the skin around my nails. first it’s anxiety. then i look down and say ‘if i just get that one bit, it will be even.’ thusly, i trick myself into a chewing spree that ends up looking like i got caught in the belt sander.
i touched my hat just now to make sure it didn’t slip out of place. i reach up and tap the tuft of hair in the opening to make sure it’s not sticking out. i’m thinking about the unevenness in the back again.
i’m probably going to go tear off the hat and try it again. i live through this process several times a morning. anxiety? ocd? low self esteem? d, all of the above?
i promised that when this next house move is over i’m seeking some professional help. i’ve avoided it for a year now. boredom is the first step to relapse. i’m getting bored of these issues.
love,
v.